I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Randomize