He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
