3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
this is an emotional support booty call
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
