Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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