Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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