I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am naked and annoyed.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
