drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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