Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
