I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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