Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
