I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
