Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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