You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
