I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
