why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
