I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
