I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
