every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize