its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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