I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
