when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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