This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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