when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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