How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
