listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
