I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
