that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize