I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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