I am full of burrito and curiosity
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
