I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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