The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
