1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
