his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
