My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Who died my cat blue again?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize