just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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