I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
