everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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