I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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