if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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