I want you more than these girls want KFC
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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