he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Randomize
