if you like me you must not know who I am
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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