Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he shaved USA in his pubs
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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