I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
