what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
