thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
