It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
