you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
