I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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