so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
