I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's rum buckets o'clock
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
