I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
