I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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