so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
