Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
