im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
