I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
